Vietnamese Adoptees Living in Vietnam

Quality of Life

2011-01-19T23:33:00.000-08:00

According to the Quality of Life Index for 2010, Vietnam ranks 52 just behind Fiji and ahead of Gambia. In case you don’t know, FIji is a small island in the Pacific off the coast of Australia and Gambia is country in the NW of Africa known for its slave trade in ; both areas of British colonization in the 20th century, but neither countries having significant impact on the recent world socio-economical events.

The quality of life index is calculated by the International Living Organization and is based on factors such as cost of living, leisure culture, economic environment, freedom, health, infrastructure, risk & safety, and climate where the higher the score, the better such as the case of the US with an overall score of 86. Why Vietnam’s ranking is only 52 is quite shocking considering it was coined as the next Asian Tiger just a few years ago. If we were considering Vietnam’s ranking purely based on it’s capital, then maybe it’d rank higher next to its neighboring countries such as China and Thailand.

While this website admits being biased, having weighted rankings for factors, plus giving a Western perspective (American to be exact), it does bring to mind some warning signs, some that are evident to even the normal citizen’s eyes like myself while living in Vietnam for the past years. The cost of living in Vietnam has risen dramatically in the past years since I moved here in 2004 where the prices for commodities and utilities such as petrol, rice and electricity have gone up as much as 50%, but not in line with most inhabitants salaries. Vietnam ranked 71 in this area which is not even that bad and while electricity price increases are expected to cause outrage, the cost of living is still relatively low to most other countries.

Weighing in with average scores are Vietnam’s economy and environment. It is argued by many economist that a country needs to be financially stable in order to address social issues, however despite Vietnam’s rapidly growing economy with of the strongest GDP’s in the world this past year with 6.7% growth, the environment is literally an eyesore in many areas where you can see debris of all sizes just about everywhere on the streets, canals and coastline. Furthermore, Vietnam faces issues of even more serious environmental hazards from industries such as agricultural manufacturing and petrol with a recent historical settlement case against Vedan for environmental pollution.

Unsurprisingly ranking the lowest on the list are Freedom and Infrastructure. Again, we must remember that this is a biased ranking from an American point of view from which I’d agree that areas of censorship and political corruption are problematic, but what government is not corrupt? Infrastructure is a big problem and even while roads have improved significantly and the Internet is accessible, there are too many other problems such as public transportation, water and electricity that can hardly be understood in this article alone. To put it briefly, Vietnam is a developing country and it’s better to embrace old world development as a charm rather than convince yourself that all these infrastructure problems will soon be a thing of the past. I just hope they prove me wrong.

The last items on this index weigh in very well for Vietnam for Risk & Safety and Climate. Considering where to raise a family, I personally think that Vietnam is safer than most developed countries like the US, France or Japan. While Vietnam experiences crime at all levels, violent crime is significantly low and most people feel safe walking around the streets at any time of the day. The recent shooting of Representative Gabrielle Gifford, annual news of school shootings or even the US's worst terrorist attacks of 9/11 makes me rethink how the US ranked the highest as the safest country. Back to Vietnam's social woes, the increasing gap between the rich and the poor has seen petty crime on the rise and adding insult to injury by ostensibly emphasizing a more class-like society where Bentley luxury sedans pass by bicycle peddling merchants. Last, but not least the climate in Vietnam is pleasant most of the time, yet can be stifling in its hottest times of the year with the South at about 33 degrees Celsius with hot desert like conditions in the Spring and the north near 40 degrees Celsius in the summer months.

At first glance, Vietnam’s ranking of 52 next to Fiji and Gambia seems oddly out of place, but upon a closer look at what makes up this number it seems that Vietnam is fairly ranked with areas such as environment and infrastructure that it should seriously address, whereas factors such as cost of living and climate seem like they were glossed over considering outsiders do not intimately know about the problems of inflation or pollution that are deteriorating the quality of life.

Quality of Life Index: http://www1.internationalliving.com/qofl2011/

Rainy Season in Saigon

2010-08-01T16:31:00.000-07:00

Rainy season in the southern part of Vietnam lasts for about half of the year from about March until October. Each day has occasional rain showers passing by with people taking shelter and others just going about their daily routine. By the way, this is the first video I've ever tried to edit and post on my blog so I hope you like it.

Six rules of thumb for doing business in Vietnam

2010-07-27T01:30:00.000-07:00

So I got this slide, "Six rules of thumb for doing business across cultures" from a grad school class that I'm taking and thought I'd share some ideas with a twist about working in Vietnam since I wish someone told me something about these points before I started working in Vietnam.

1. Be prepared - Can mean many things, but for business I'd suggest you learn a few basic pointers particular to business in Vietnam as well as SE Asia. For example, use 2 hands when exchanging business cards. If you don't have a business card, get some made since they're crazy about them here for exchanging contact info. When you receive someone's business card or vice-versa it is polite to examine it for a while and ask even what might seem like obvious questions, "oh so you're based in Ho Chi Minh City?" Another important tip is to know your rank in a business meeting since if your merely a facilitator then maybe you only say a few words, whereas if you are considered a leader then people expect you to make a speech as a part of formality even if it's a few words, "I look forward to prosperous cooperation." Lastly, understand that meetings are formalities and most business is done over time through relationship building over coffee, dinners and other social activities.

2. Slow down - Take a step back and observe the scene. If you have the luxury of time then you're lucky as you can learn many skills from observing, however if you are on a tight time-line, then it's best to probably work with a local partner to help you understand that steps aren't as linear in Vietnam as in Western society. One example is foreign companies want to do things the way they do things back in their home countries, however to ultimately achieve an international standard, certain practices must be trained, expectations must be spelled out and results measured. While both sides might have separate methods for achieving a specific goal, the important thing is to agree on and work towards the same common goal.

3. Establish trust - as in any relationships trust is extremely important, however what you might not know and be naive to is that trust is the most important business factor, even more important than the contract. While contracts have legal binding, trust is the end all for successful 1 on 1 relationships as well as business relationships. It takes time to build trust, and some relationships are easier with certain people than others, however it is these so-called ties that bind Vietnamese society.

4. Understand importance of language - Learning the Vietnamese language is so crucial for business and knowing people. I often grappled with this idea as many Vietnamese are learning English by the mass compared to foreigners learning Vietnamese. You'd think as long as there's a language to communicate by then you're fine. Wrong! As in any country, locals appreciate foreigners learning their language, but in Vietnam it means opening your world to so much more. Vietnamese language is contextual which means not only do you have to understand what is being said, but the context in which it is being said. For example, Vietnamese love to give/receive gifts so it's often common to give a gift along with a speech and a group applause. While this might seem like overdoing it, being discrete about gift giving is considered strange.

5. Respect the culture - Of course any culture has it's way of doing things so it's very important to respect the values and traditions of the local culture. Vietnam is no different and as in many cultures family is number 1. How this cultural aspect relates to business is the same as it relates to the entire society, most people work for their families which makes their job important as a means to serve their families, but not their most important priority. For this reason you should first understand that people want to work in a family type manner where they look up to their elders and learn from them. Second, you will see more dynamic interaction and greater results from group tasks versus individualistic created incentives as in the US.

6. Understand components of culture – Surface culture and Deep culture. What does this mean? Maybe simply put you can ask what is explicit (surface) and what is implicit (deep). Surface culture relates to how people behave on the outside such as greeting one another both physically and verbally. For the locals, men generally shake hands and women do not. In the casual sense, men show friendliness with other men by putting their arms on each others shoulders or leaning on each other whereas women might hold hands or also lean on each other. The words and gestures you use are also very important. Learn how to address elders in terms of pronouns to use and use two hands giving and receiving as a sign of respect. Deep culture is harder to understand and takes time. One example is that you should address people formally, especially elders in the presence of others. While this might seem easy to remember, try to always keep it in mind since showing respect for elders which is an underlying fabric of Vietnamese culture.

While these six rules are applied to doing business in Vietnam, I think the main points carry over to doing business in any foreign culture. Why Vietnam is unique is that it is a country that is welcoming to many cultures, tolerant of foreigners making mistakes, but your experience is enriched so much more if you make the effort to learn how things are done the local way.

Sources: "International Business: The Challenge of Global Competition," Ball, D. and W. McCulloch, McGraw-Hill, 1999.

Most Agreeable

2010-07-19T01:52:00.000-07:00

From the Merriam Webster’s Dictionary agreeable means pleasing to the mind or senses; ready or willing. For the Vietnamese language I can count about a half dozen ways to agree, whereas disagreeing is less common both in spoken language and cultural context.

Having grown up in New York and lived in various parts of the US, plus France I’m used to people telling me exactly what they mean. New Yorkers are known for being in your face brash and not sugarcoating anything whereas the French are known to complain and seem like nothing is perfect. Having this background, Vietnamese culture is quite different and not in a way you can immediately know, but in a more subtle way in which you must read between the lines.

My first faux pas of being non-agreeable was when I was told to try to speak Vietnamese more. This phrase was daily for me back in the day and like poking a stick in my eye followed up with comments like I don’t speak Vietnamese when actually trying to speak. I can’t remember exactly, but in the moment I wasn’t keen on on practicing my Vietnamese and said so. To me that was fine, but to my friend’s disappointment it was as if I insulted her family honor. So what might you say to disagree, but agree at the same time you might ask? The most common response is putting yourself down in some sort of jest instead of disagreeing, "oh, my Vietnamese is so terrible, but your English is so much better!"

Indirectness and conflict avoidance are other strong skills in the Vietnamese language repertoire. “Hey, you want to go to a wedding of my distant cousin, uncle’s dog’s neighbor’s friend this weekend?” A short answer such as “no, I can’t” would suffice back in the US or maybe complaining about the same boring menu at every wedding could be a welcomed conversation topic with the French. However, Vietnamese are really good at pressuring you and if that’s not enough, others will join in. Peer pressure is the norm. As Seinfeld once said, it’s like you need an excuse rolodex so try, “No, I have charity work this weekend ..or I’m busy helping my my niece with her homework ” to get you by.

For those who’ve heard the all to common Asian stereo-type that Asians are sneaky, well it’s true. However, the reason why people agree or avoid you is not for reasons you might think, but simply to be what is considered respectful or somewhat polite. For some this might be considered lying, but it is not and can become a rather playful back and forth conversation that takes its course. In fact, you can take it as a form of flattery for the more they try to avoid you the more they are still showing their respect for you. Hey at least, they didn’t tell you a flat out "No!"

Who are you?!

2009-07-16T07:29:00.000-07:00

Just the other day I sat in one of my regular joints where I grab a bite, escape the oppressive Saigon heat and ponder life. I sat in my usual area at the back wall where I usually camp out for a few hours, eating lunch, having a cappuccino, and using my laptop. I couldn’t help, but overhear a group of women on the far end of the room. The head of the group was a middle-aged woman who unmistakably spoke in a firm American professorial style at a level the dining crowd could easily hear her annunciate as if she were giving an important commencement speech, Dear class of 2009 it’s with great pleasure and pride that I say, “please order anything on me, there’s a wide selection of menu items ..American, Mexican, Thai and Vietnamese; you’ll find the selections have funny names like the Elvis or Halle Berry.” Great marketing pitch I thought.

After finishing my Romeo sandwich and catching up on some office emails, I paid attention to the professor again now talking about inequality for women artists starting with China as the example. Her statement was that while women’s art work is better and more detailed, it is the men who get the attention and are paid more time and again. Based on this statement, she made a forceful vow to not let this happen to her students, the Vietnamese female artists, and to be their voice. A group discussion mixed in English and Vietnamese then ensued of which I didn’t catch everything and went back to my laptop to see what world riveting events occurred in the last 15 minutes on Facebook.

“WHO ARE YOU?!” errupted through the room. The professor exclaimed rather than asked. It came across in the way I remember Dana Carvey doing his best McLaughlin impersonation where whatever you might answer the response would be an emphatic “WRONG!” Maybe they understood the professor’s question, maybe it was not a simple answer, but their reaction was respectful silence which led the professor to prod them with multiple choice answers, 1. You are an artist 2. You are a wife or girlfriend 3. You are a daughter. From what everyone in the room heard, the professor was urging them to pick answer #1.

For me this was a moment of reverse culture shock and I was instantly transported from Saigon back to any classroom-USA. I reflected upon how much individual identity and success are stressed. According to the professor’s tone of voice you must hold who you are high in the air like flag and don’t wane or women will be never be equal. She continued by breaking it down for the lunch group discussion “Who are you” can have priorities where 1. You are an artist 2. You are a wife or girlfriend and 3. You are a daughter. Her words were delivered with such force and conviction you might have expected a group huddle and chant 1-2-3 Let's go Team!

But, there was the calm after the storm. A moment of silence. I couldn’t help but think that the professor might have discovered a fault in the American view as the students then calmly, politely, and collectively commented 'who they are' depends who they answer this question to. Of course they strive to be successful artists, but they equally strive to be good wives/girlfriends, and daughters to their parents. Whether this is a hindrance to beating male artists time will tell, nonetheless these women are very ambitious.

Nurture versus Nurture

2009-03-24T09:57:00.000-07:00

We cannot definitely say what part of us is biological and what part is a product of our environment is, but for some adoptee friends coming back to Vietnam has resolved some of these issues and helped us figure out ourselves. Being able to look at your biological family might answer a lot of questions for who you are, but take this away and then you can only go back to the environment you originally came from.

When asking Kai what part of him is Vietnamese, he confidently says that he can relate to how people here share, especially in the family. For Kai, there’s no doubt that he’s willing to share and take care of those around him which is obvious by his generous and friendly nature.

What brought Kai back to Vietnam was a gradual process of learning Vietnamese culture, first back in Munich and continues in the present now living in Ho Chi Minh City. Unlike my experience in the US, Kai did not have the same early opportunities to attend adoptee reunions to learn about Vietnam and meet others adoptees. Being adopted was rather a fact, remaining for a long time undefined, and something that Kai had to process by himself.

From the day Kai arrived into his mother’s care, Kai was a part of his German family and undeniably accepted as German from that point on. To discover what it is like to be a Vietnamese adoptee came later in Kai’s teenage years as what he explained as a personal self-exploration to understand who he is. It was later in Kai’s early adult years that he started to connect with other adoptees and had a Vietnamese girlfriend. From dating a Vietnamese girl Kai said he learned so much about Vietnamese culture and the importance of Vietnamese family such as dependency and his role to take care of girlfriend which extended to her family.

There have been many studies on how much environment affects one’s behavior and for many adoptees the ratio between nature versus nurture can never be fully answered. One thing we can undeniably state is that we are the sum of our experiences. For Kai, he laughs when he says many things about him are typically German. For example, he says like other Germans he complains a lot, that he’s not flexible and that he’s very decisive. Kai is eager to learn Vietnamese and embraces the culture, however he knows that characteristics about him are Western and it also important that others understand that about him as well. Kai states that “as adoptees we are lucky since we can go back and forth between being western and being Vietnamese, we are both. This is to our advantage.”

Being adaptable is a common trait amongst Vietnamese adoptees. Having grown up in western culture, mostly in white families and neighborhoods, we accepted our difference and adapted to fit in. Coming back to live in Vietnam is also challenging being confronted by language barriers and learning the nuances of the culture, but again we can adapt and continue to grow.

To live with a Vietnamese family is probably the best way to know Vietnamese culture and for Kai this was something he had sought and found with his fiancées family. Something so little as sharing a meal with a family is considerably an ordinary activity; however as adoptees we take to such actions with both pride and humility. We know that others who do not know our backgrounds usually expect us to have gone through these motions our entire lives. And so we can only identify with this and feel a sense of fulfillment as it is something comforting, almost familiar as it makes up who we are.

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Kai Kleiber

Hometown: Munich. Germany
Birth date and Birthplace: April 18, 1974
Occupation: Regional Sales Director for Medical Devices
Duration of stay in VN to date: Been coming to Vietnam to visit and for work since October, 2004. Living in Saigon since September 2008

Turning Vietnamese

2008-12-09T05:45:00.001-08:00

Comfort Food:

I had wondered and the wondering is over. Hallelujah! While I’ve been eating Vietnamese food for the past 12 years, it’s only recently that I’ve been trying to cook it. I’m not talking about anything elaborate, but some home-style cooking. To my and sometimes guests’ disappointment, my dishes never really hit the mark and turn out to be Asian only by the fact that a wok or rice cooker were involved.

Growing up I watched my mom make her routine dishes like macaroni and cheese (with beef if it were a special day), spaghetti and meat sauce, and beef stroganoff. As you can tell beef was a staple in my family’s diet. All are great comfort foods if you ask me. Later on, my dad took over a lot of the cooking teaching me dishes like veal Marsala, pasta carbonara (butter, bacon, and cheese hear attack bliss), spaghetti and pesto, or barbecuing just about anything that can fit on a grill. Being in the kitchen and helping out is something I enjoy, but till recently stepping into a Vietnamese kitchen and I was better off saying I just know how to boil water.

Hurdle:

The first challenge is to go and get the ingredients. While this is not so hard to do with modern supermarket conveniences, but you’re much better off going to the outdoor market were the locals go since the ingredients are fresher, more abundant and cheaper. It's no big deal when it comes to such tasks as picking up groceries. I even fondly remember my trips with my dad several times during the week together. However, you can forget any warm and fuzzy childhood memories of grocery trips with your parents and you'd be better off going to a few concerts and dancing in a mosh pit to prepare yourself for the scene at a market in Saigon, a longtime nogo for me.

While my Vietnamese language skills are beyond basic, it’s not always easy to figure out what’s being said and one slight hesitation in your voice at the markets here in Saigon and they’ve upped the ante. Conversations are flying from all directions so just focus on what you need to say. Yell randomly and repeatedly and you'll fit in fine, not to mention get someone's attention. There are no formalities, no nice to see you again crap, and the faster you make a transaction the more you look like you know your way around. Prices aren’t marked and depending on the vendor; he or she will try to get you to buy more. “You want ½ kilo, oh I just sell for 1 kilo.” Fortunately all items are out in the open for you to point to for which you ask by knowing your 1,2,3’s (amount, price or weight). Like most places Saigon, the market is crowded, chaotic and filled mostly with women in their pajamas and conical hats, who unlike me, know what they came to get.

The great thing about going to most markets in Saigon as that you can just ride your motorbike right up to any stand and buy what you need. How convenient is that? Mc Donald’s in your face! So for a meal’s worth of ingredients it only takes a dizzying 10 minutes to get your stuff and you’re zipping your way back home.

Timing:

As the saying goes, timing is everything. For master chefs all the movements goes into slow motion once you’ve got the right steps, get in the zone. Wash the veggies, start the water boiling, chop the veggies, chop the meat, etc, etc… As you know from watching any skilled cook, it’s all in the timing like working on another dish while the meat is browning, or starting the rice when the juices are being reduced. However, for me timing has usually been impaired; a little wine for the food, a little wine for the chef.

While ingredients like olive oil, garlic, wine, and butter are common to me, other ingredients like fish sauce, MSG, and bot nem (you’re ubiquitous all-spice mix) are only recently becoming patterns in many dishes. First of all fish sauce smells god-awful, but like fine French wines, it has its qualities with age and serves as the salt base for most dishes. While it has a potent smell as you’d expect from fermented fish extract, the health benefit is immense. Next the much reviled MSG that Chinese-American restaurants proudly defy in their store windows. MSG as we all remember from bio class serves as the sugar base. Like many dishes, some sugar, salt and pepper can be added, but nothing goes further than bot nem which makes your dish tastier. Even if you don't use it, you look like you know your shit for having it in your spice stash.

This weeks Attempt – Thit Kho Tau which translates to Chinese braised Pork

With a grocery list of what to buy and the detailed pointers to, “just try” ..try I did. After prepping all the ingredients I gave myself 2 hours to cook this simple, yet time consuming dish. As any Vietnamese person will tell, cooking Vietnamese dishes are easy. Of course they are! Given my mastery skills in cooking ramen instant noodles, no problem.

I’ve eaten this dish more times than I can count and many will tell you this is something their mothers cooked for them. This succulent, juicy, spicy and sweet is another comfort food I have grown to love. And so the experiment began. For starters the electricity was out which isn’t uncommon as blackouts occur just like the passing rains. I assure you it was just a shirtless experience, but hey it’s hot here in this tropical climate.

After some chopping, boiling, frying, and simmering my dish looked like a real dish. Voila! Here is the run down:

- Hard boil 4 eggs
- Chop pork (300g) into 1 inch slices
- Carmelize a sauce pan with sugar and water till brown, then add the pork
- Add ½ onion, a couple cloves of chopped garlic and chopped red pepper
- Brown the pork then add about 1 cup of coconut juice, simmer for about an hour adding coconut juice as needed not to burn the dish
- After about 1 hour add the hard boild eggs and simmer for another 20 mins

- For a healthy balance, I boiled some ochre, one of many vegetables I never really ate till I came to Vietnam. So ochre wasn't just a color used to decribe JCrew fall wear? Hmmm. Anyway, just wash the ochre and boil till green (about 3-5minutes). Be careful not to over-cook or they taste like mush.

- Also, can’t eat rice without canh (broth) for which I boiled some rau cai ngot (what does this translate to?), added some diced pork, salt and pepper. I’ve heard quite a few locals say they can’t eat without or their dish is too dry. A cold beer helps that problem for me, but go with the flow.

- Lastly steam 2 cups of rice and this serves 2-3 people.

The Verdict

“Did you taste the food after you cooked it?” - Hang

“Oh, yeah..taste the food. Um no. I thought it smelled great, but I did take a lot of pictures though!” - Me

Hang's comments...

• The braised pork was tasty, but a little too sweet - needed more salt
• The broth was a bland – needed more salt, pepper, MSG and that bot nem that I totally left out. Sacrilege!
• The steamed white rice – 1/3 burnt as it’s been ages since I cooked rice in a pot. Damn electricity was out. Can’t beat a rice cooker!
• The ochre was ochre – I aced that

Fin:

Of our favorite pleasures in life, food is tops! Even with this tough critique I was told next time would be perfect and to keep cooking. The Vietnamese love their food, love to eat together, and for good reason. Vietnamese food is simple, healthy, tasty and cheap... a tough combo to beat. The Vietnamese also live off the land as many of their dishes use ingredients that are in abundance here which is also comforting. I’ve never eaten so much rice, seafood, vegetables, and fruit in my life. It’s great!

This weeks Attempt 2 – Dau Hu Thit Bam Ca Chua (Tofu filled with Pork and Tomatoe Sauce)

Tofu stuffed with minced pork (mixed with shallots, salt & pepper).

Sauteed tomatoes, add tofu, simmer, adding water gradually, and top with green onions right before serving.

Side dish of morning glory (boiled in water with some salt and MSG) for about 5 mins.

Turn of Events

2008-07-07T20:52:00.001-07:00

Through chance encounters while living up in Hanoi about 6 months ago, Tiffany had met someone who was interested in her story of her search for her birth mother. This acquaintance just so happened to know the host of the TV show 'nhu chua he co cuoc chia ly,' a show based in Saigon about people trying to find long lost relatives. After months passed and a few failed attempts, Tiffany finally was able to contact the host and arrange to be on the TV show.

Just this past weekend I had made plans to meet Tiffany and another Viet-American adoptee Brent, who like Tiffany, is also from Minneapolis, MN. Tiffany was passing through town as she was planning to travel the region before departing back to the US in the fall. We met at Brent’s regular hangout, the Trung Nguyen Café across from the Tan Dinh Market where Tiffany and Brent had been catching up at the café before I had arrived.

Tiffany and I were going to get a quick bite before her TV show interview when it started to pour and I mean torrential rains. So Brent, Tiffany and I were stranded in the café waiting out the flooding with a front row window seat of the motorbikes below navigating through what was the street and now transformed into a canal.

It was getting close to 7pm and the rain was starting to let up. Another adoptee friend, Tuy, was on his way to pick Tiffany up to head over to the VTV1 studio. Tiffany asked me if she should ask the lady at VTV1 if it’s okay if I join. I had no plans and my girlfriend was busy that evening so I wasn’t too keen on heading back to my house for a Saturday evening alone.

Tiffany and Tuy had been to the TV station earlier that day. The hostess was interested in her story about her search for her birthmother, her story as an adoptee of the babylift, but beyond that Tiffany knew few details about the show. At the café Tiffany showed me photos from her digital camera of the small studio which was a small stage covered with cracked plexiglass and surrounded by what Tiffany described as stadium seating reminiscent of high school days.

Upon arriving at the station, Tuy, Tai (Tuy’s driver), Tiffany and I scoffed down some banh mi (Vietnamese sandwiches) and stood in the dark and dank entrance with no acknowledgement of Tiffany’s arrival. After about 20 minutes Tiffany went to search for her contact and we made our way into the little studio. The audience was greeted by two hosts (male and female) briefing us of what to expect, then after some waiting, lights, camera, and action! Tiffany sat in the middle of the small dim lit stage with the hostess as a video introduction rolled. It was the all too common black and white footage of the war 30+ years ago to set the context of the time and also included images of the babylift. The hostess spoke in a calm and steady voice introducing and welcoming Tiffany. She proceeded to cover Tiffany’s journey back to Vietnam, show footage of Tiffany’s life over the past year in Hanoi teaching, doing volunteer work and teaching yoga. However, it was Tiffany’s search for her mother that was the focal point, Tiffany’s reason for being here.

After introductions, another video footage showed Tiffany with the hostess on a bench in Lenin Park, Hanoi. Tiffany described what she thought her mother might be like and what Tiffany wished to say to her. It was after this clip when the video footage stopped and the hostess presented Tiffany with a black and white photo in a black frame of a young woman, her mother, that it all settled in. Through a translator sitting next to her, Tiffany learned that her mother had long since passed away.

[Picture of Tiffany's mother at 30, next to photo of Tiffany at 18]

We then saw a clip of a TV station staff member’s follow up search based on paperwork that Tiffany had from Holt International. Till now, this was Tiffany’s only trace of her history consisting of a brief description of her mother, Tiffany’s condition at birth and the hospital where she was born. The reporter followed the same path Tiffany had on an earlier visit to Saigon to visit the hospital to find out as much as possible. The story was starting to unfold as footage of the reporter showed him on a search through the maze of alleyways in the Saigon streets and talking to people who knew this story. When the footage stopped, the hostess then told Tiffany that her half brother and sisters, niece and grandmother were sitting right there in the front row of the audience. I could only imagine the shock that Tiffany was going through, as if time had stopped and nothing was real. Tuy and I sat there in the audience, also in shock only able to say that the photo that Tiffany looked like the photo she was holding of her mother. The search was over.

After the show was over, the hostess and Tiffany’s new found family surrounded Tiffany and the rest of us in a celebrity buzz. Through Tuy’s translation they made arrangements to meet the following day. Tuy, Tai, Tiffany and I later went to a café to absorb what had just happened. Later Zion and a friend of Tiffany’s, Christine, also joined us. So many thoughts, so many questions going through Tiffany’s mind. I told her that she was in good company, especially since Tuy had also been through a similar experience finding his birthmother. Tuy asked Tiffany if there’s a bubbling sensation on the back of her neck, as if she feels drunk to which Tiffany said yes. Tuy said that it doesn’t go away fast, that he had it for years…

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"Như chưa hề có cuộc chia ly..." (As if never separated)
To watch the interview you can go to http://www.haylentieng.vn (nhu chua he co cuoc chia ly... 08) or you can contact me and I can send you the video file.

Crash Course to Living in Vietnam

2008-06-20T02:56:00.000-07:00

Everything I ever needed to learn when first coming to Vietnam, I learned from my good buddy Tim Holtan. Before coming back to Vietnam for my first time in 1996, I had lots of questions and luckily Tim was there to answer them. We were also roommates in Hanoi back then so it was good to have him show me the ropes while I got settled in a strange place. While some of these rules to live by might seem insensitive I can only say you have to live here to understand.

1. Don’t ask, just accept it

When Tim and I were studying Vietnamese, another student Ong Lou (Mr. Lou)would often interrupt the class excusing himself, “xi xi xin loi” usually asking what everyone deemed as a stupid question like why do Vietnamese shake with 2 hands to show respect? Tim’s response was don’t ask, just accept. While it’s interesting to learn culture and tradition, some things you just gotta accept!

2. Don’t watch them wash the dishes

Many times eating Pho or rice at a street stall, I was often told not to look over to the side where there’d be someone ‘washing’ the dishes. Tim’s advice to me was not to look or I’d throw up. Over time, I’m quite used to seeing this quick scrub and dunk into what looks like murky water that’s been used and reused through many cycles. FYI, locals usually wipe their bowls and utensils with a napkin. This helps you at least feel like your dishes and utensils are cleaner.

3. Don’t help, just watch

There were many times I'd see someone drop something or have a minor accident. I clearly remember riding on the motorbike with Tim and seeing a cyclo rider in Hanoi carrying what seemed like 100 bags of rice. He turned the intersection ever so slowly and dropped a few bags. This blocked the road for a few minutes while everyone just watched him heave his bags back onto the cyclo.

4. Have a beer in the morning

I can now say that drinking alcohol at anytime of the day is no big deal. While it seems to mostly be men drinking throughout the day, alcohol consumption carries no guilt and fondly associated with social bonding. Upon finding an apartment to settle into, Tim and I were invited to what I thought would be a mid morning coffee with the landlord. Sure enough, he offered up some beers. Okay, sure!

5. Don’t try to do too much in one day

I like lists. Shopping lists, packing lists, lists lists lists… I guess it’s a neurosis of mine, but I like things organized. Well my penchant for order didn’t really fit with the way Vietnamese do things on the fly. In my first weeks after finishing my Vietnamese class I was determined to set out to do things including looking for work, regularly mailing family and friends, plus other errands. I jotted these things and mentioned them to Tim. However, as time went on I understood I couldn’t get everything accomplished due to circumstances beyond my control. Oh, the post office was on extended lunch break, the HR Company rescheduled again, where do I get that thing I wanted to buy…oh I’ll just wait to ask so and so.

6. Just call her "Em"

To the untrained ear, Vietnamese names are hard to catch at first. Because all words are monosyllabic so it’s like hearing someone sneeze or a quick whooshing sound, “ZOOM, CHIN, CHANG..” However, Vietnamese names are very beautiful with poetic meanings like moonlight, perfume river or hero. Maybe it was the age range, but most Hanoian girls Tim and I met in 1996 were named Huong which means perfume. So while many names are common, Tim broke it down for me,” Just assume every girl you meet is younger than you and call them Em it’s easier than remembering their names.” Em is the pronoun used to address anyone younger than you within approximately 10 years. Em!

7. It’s hot in Vietnam!

Before I even returned to Vietnam, I was really curious about knowing what the place looks like to which Tim mentioned it’s hard to explain when comparing it to places in the US. He said it’s tropical so a little bit like Hawaii or Southern California, but still nothing in the US really compared to the appearance of Vietnam. However, one thing he could clearly tell me was that, “it’s hot in Vietnam!” While I’ve been through heat waves in New York, nothing could prepare me for the sweltering oppressive and what seemed like neverending summer heat in Hanoi where temperatures are close to 100 everyday with nearly 100% humidity. I felt like I was lightheaded, the same way you feel dizzy when you've had one too many to drink, but it was just the heat doing this. The simple answer to this is stay out of the midday heat!

8. Watch what I eat

When you’re invited to a friend’s house for a meal or event, it’s not uncommon they go out of their way to cook dishes for you to try. While Vietnamese commonly eat rice, meat, vegetables and a light soup with some fruit as dessert, they often bust out a handful of dishes for you, the guest of honor. This was the case when I attended Tim’s friend’s house where about 10 of us sat in a circle on the floor with what seemed like an ocean of food between us, bowls and dishes filling the middle. Since I love to eat I thought I’d just try most dishes which were great, but some not as great. That’s when I realized not even the family was eating all of the dishes, especially those not so great dishes. Rather then going over the multitude of dishes (some common, some strange), Tim just said watch what I eat. Easy enough!

9. Look to the side, don’t look forward

Traffic in Vietnam is crowded, noisy and a mess. Sitting on the back of the motorbike watching Tim weave through traffic was impressive; however watching oncoming traffic nearly hit/miss you by inches every minute can make you almost shit your pants. Better to just look to the side and enjoy the secenery.

10. Learn how to ride a motorbike

Tim and I were leaving our hotel to meet a couple of friends, two girls Tim knew through work when he previously lived in Hanoi. They showed up on separate motorbikes to pick us up. Tim naturally jumped on the front of one and since I just arrived and never rode a motorbike before I jumped on the back of one of the girl’s Honda Dream. When we took off, Tim leaned over telling to me to learn how to ride a motorbike (1) everyone does (2) learn to drive a girl around, it just doesn’t look right with her riding you. I soon after learned to ride a motorbike which is great for getting around. Also, you do sometimes see guys riding on the back of a girl’s motorbike, but it's mostly foreigners who tend to be significantly bigger than the girl. It just doesn’t look right.

I want to be a writer!

2008-06-18T22:52:00.000-07:00

It is my lifelong dream to one day be published in the New York Times and there’s still time. Like Andy Warhol said, everyone gets their 15 minutes of fame. I’m just waiting on mine.

To be a writer you have to write. There are many defining moments that shaped my desire to be a writer, the first being my mother. Before she passed away in 1995, my mother was a prolific writer, but not writing novels, rather family history. She created the genealogy of both her and my father’s lineage and when she finished most of her work, she showed my sisters and me a binder that looked like something out of the periodical section of the library. It was a massive 3 ring binder with the history of the family’s Finnish roots that went back to the 19th century tracing to Sweden, Russia and France.

My mother wasn’t only a great writer, but also a great documenter. She followed my family, relatives and our friends relentlessly with her video camera capturing our childhood events like birthdays, soccer games, my ice-hockey games and graduations. It was at times embarrassing to be followed by her, but we got used to it and later just accepted it as background voyeurism. Having a video camera during the 80’s was cutting edge, but not in a trendy way, but rather in a TV reporter way as she carried around her heavy JVC camera and video pack that weighed the equivalent of what felt like another person.

It’s not strange that any parent want to document their children’s development and fond memories, but my mother took it a step further by giving my sisters and me our own huge photo album binders that she put together by amassing tons of correspondences that she kept and many photos of our youth up till our young adulthood. My mother did this out of the love of her children, but also with an uncanny sense of knowing her time might be short and that she wanted to give us a legacy of our own, our time with her. While she spent her free time planting flowers and reading tons of books, my mother spent hundreds of hours researching, interviewing, and recording my family’s genealogy as a hobby.

I’ve always enjoyed writing, but I never thought I was that good at it. In fact, I vividly remember my college professor telling me my writing was totally disorganized. While he was very encouraging, I realized that I wasn’t going to be an English major, nor accomplish anything until I realigned all the tangents I tend to go off on. Throughout college I developed my writing skills and learned the common practice of getting feedback from my professors and peers which helped me improve.

When I came back to Vietnam in 2004, I felt rejuvenated and wanted to try out new things. I left the corporate world of financial software and dealing with stressful clients to pursue some dreams. One dream was to seek independence through entrepreneurial ventures with friends like exporting clothes which will hopefully happen one day, while the other was to write more.

My first crack at writing came when I decided to interview my friends who are like me, Vietnamese adoptees living in Vietnam. I’ve always had a fondness of writing about present day life in Vietnam, specifically Saigon, but I also wanted to write about what I thought are interesting and meaningful journeys, adoptees coming back to settle in Vietnam.

I think we have similar reasons to other Viet-Kieu (Vietnamese overseas) for returning to Vietnam, but also personal reasons to discover our roots and learning what it’s like to be Vietnamese, something we grew up with, but never had a full identity because we didn’t have Vietnamese family, know how to speak Vietnamese, nor did we know much or anything about Vietnam. These interviews and some other postings I wrote about life here in Vietnam are now on this blog and I hope to expand this with the growing number of Vietnamese adoptees still returning to settle here. Like my mother, I too want to leave a legacy for us adoptees. While we don't have any past here, we do have a lot of experiences and thoughts to share on living in Vietnam today.

As many people experience, turning a hobby into a job is rather tedious which I experienced when I wrote articles for restaurant and nightlife reviews.

It wasn’t a horrible experience and I chose places that I like, but I wrote the reviews in rather hasty style seeing if I could keep a pace. While it’s nice to know my work is out there, I didn’t have any sense of pride until another restaurant writing project came up. Out of the blue, my friend Christine called me asking if I’m still doing freelance writing. I was sort of surprised, yet happy to know she even remembered me as a writer. After a few sessions of planning and interviewing Christine, I was able to work with the engineer and photographer to turn out the website and brochure.

Putting together the website and brochure was a lesson in many ways. Not only did I have to force myself to produce pages of writing, but I also had to think of avoiding cliche style like using words like tantalizing or mouth-watering. I also had the challenge of coordinating work with an engineer and photographer which I was fortunate enough to work with friendly and hardworking folks. Both Tuan, the engineer and To Phuong (Tofu), the photographer were also new to this business so it felt like a group of newbies learning and trying to get business done. Luckily everyone was in it for the experience, wanted to turn out a good website and all of the feedback since completing this project has been positive.

2007-07-31T08:11:00.002-07:00

Kim Thanh Café

Nestled on the side street of Le Van Huu, Kim Thanh Café seems to be perfectly situated as a pit stop in busy Saigon. Upon walking into the café you pass the cashier and pastry display into a long room with stark white walls, neatly organized small tables and chairs setup reminiscent of what may have been your childhood classroom. Instead of facing the chalkboard, all patrons are facing the narrow busy street that serves as a thorough fare with people buzzing to the many nearby offices, the commercial area of district 1 and the nearby American Consulate. This constant flow serves as a never ending viewing entertainment.

Like the setting, the menu is simple and serves food whether you’re on the run or want to sit for a while. Some popular dishes are Mi Xao Bo (fried noodles and beef), Bit Tet and bread (steak and bread), and various rice dishes. All the dishes range from 2-4 USD and just filling enough to satisfy your appetite. What are particularly special about Kim Thanh Café is its pastries and dairy products such as Banh Chuoi (Banana bread), Banh Flan (Flan), Sua Chua (yogurt) and Sua Tuoi (Fresh milk). It is common to see parents bring their children here for a snack and healthy fill up on milk.

What is unique about Kim Thanh Café’s business is that this is an all women run business spanning generations from grand mother, daughters, nieces and other relatives. The ranks are very clear with young ladies serving patrons and the owner at the helm running the cashier and managing staff at the front.

I first started frequenting Kim Thanh Café in 2004 when a friend, Bill Badger, mentioned he often spends Sunday mornings catching up on a book, reading Bong Da (football) newspaper and chatting with friends. Bill is a very interesting guy who I would describe as someone not who you would expect and i mean that in a good way. He's a businessman, good musician, very knowledgeable about Vietnam, speaks fluent Vietnamese (in Northern dialect to many peoples' awe as they don't even expect Vietnamese to come out of him), and most of all a man with many tales.

This social gathering at Kim Thanh eventually turned into what Bill coined as the “Kim Thanh Sessions.” Often meeting around 8:30 AM on Sunday mornings, we would drink coffee, order breakfast and later debate whether we’d push ourselves for that extra bite. Often going till midday with friends coming and going during their weekend schedules, these gatherings included many reoccurring random conversation topics brought up by Bill such as 80’s American B Ninja Movies and 80’s New Wave Music, and TV commercials. Well you can probably guess our ages!

2007-07-31T08:11:00.001-07:00

Hoi An Fabric Market

Situated on the central coast of Vietnam, Hoi An is a quaint and picturesque town. Originally a fishing village, Hoi An started to see foreign visitors about a decade ago and its tourism industry hasn’t looked back since then. With its convenient midway location, Hoi An has become a very popular rest stop with visitors to Vietnam who frequently make their journey from North to South or vice versa.

In contrast to Vietnan’s market capital Ho Chi Minh City that has pushed forward in development, Hoi An strongly preserves its traditional charm with its classic architecture and cobblestone roads. This scenery also serves for Hoi An’s many artists who have captured the towns essence in various styles of paintings which are displayed in road side galleries. Three days per week, the ancient town’s roads closed to automobiles and motorbikes to allow pedestrians to freely roam the streets on foot or bicycle.

In Hoi An you can enjoy the beautiful beach, eat traditional central Vietnamese cuisine and buy wonderful handicrafts. What Hoi An is famously known for its traditional lanterns styled after the Chinese, but most of all for its tailors or Chợ Vải which translates into the fabric market. Here, visitors can get measured and within hours walk away with a custom shirt, pants, dress, or suit.

Upon visiting the fabric market, visitors are immediately approached by various vendors and tailors to take a look at their fabric and consider making clothes. Here, friendly tailors who speak very good English engage you in a personal session. It’s to be expected to go through the routine background questions of where you are from and what you do. These tailors are not only inquisitive, but also charming and really take their time to get to know you.

When it comes to deciding what to make, you can take the approach of considering what you’ve always wanted to make such as comfortable draw string pants, a summer dress or suit or simply take a look at catalogs or samples hung at various stalls. After deciding what you would like to make be prepared to bargain a price. This price is based on fabric per/meter and the tailor’s work. With this in mind you’ll find that clothes are very cheap to make! You will usually have about 20-30% room to bargain so if you are quoted $15 USD for a pair of pants then you might be able to walk away paying $12.

Keep in mind that tailors here have a lot of experience making clothes for foreigners however any specific requirements for cut or design should be done up front or at least with the expectation that you can fix anything you’re not satisfied with.

Getting clothes made in Hoi An is certainly a fun and engaging experience. The tailors are friendly, the fabrics are beautiful and clothes are made very quickly (usually within a day’s time). Far away from the bustle of Vietnam’s major cities in the north and south, visitors truly feel they have landed in a peaceful destination with charming scenery and rich cultural experiences.

Someone Watching Over Us

2006-01-08T22:07:00.000-08:00

This article is about the re-found connections between Vietnamese adoptees and the orphanage workers who took care of us during such desperate times from the early to mid 1970's. Through various traces to our past, we have found the orphanages where we are from. For many of us, this is as close as we can get to our origins. Even more amazing was meeting the social workers who took care of us more than 30 years ago, familiar faces who we were too young to remember, but very well remember us.

It's almost impossible to explain how grateful we are to these beautiful women who seem so familiar. Visiting their houses is the same closeness anyone would share with their own family. Like our very own aunts would, they still want to visit as much as possible, feed us and ask make sure we're okay. Despite the many years that slipped away when we were all sent to our unknown destinies , the meaningful bond we have with the social workers is timeless.

[To be continued]

the perfect shape, by Khanh Duy Nguyen Oehlke

2005-06-14T19:35:00.000-07:00

the perfect shape,
i've come full circle.
far from home,
i've come so far.

we know the story far too well,
as we size, share, and compare the scars.

in quest of self,
we have found each other.in the company of strangers,
we have found a brother.

we know the story all too well.
we know the love of a child and mother.

blood has proven wider than oceans.
skin has proven only so deep.
ignorance once fueled a fire
self-awareness and understanding has laid to sleep.

i will return
to where i've never been.
again. and my friend,
i will see you there.

together, we will walk the shape that has brought us so far.
we will make the shape that has brought us home.

The Drive Towards Peace and Meaningfulness

2005-03-20T04:06:00.000-08:00

The following interviews are about Vietnamese adoptees from Australia, Europe and America who not only have come back to visit their heritage, but also to settle in Vietnam. Our perspective is unique as foreigners, as Viet-Kieu (Vietnamese Overseas), and as adoptees who, through various connections, know each other while now living in Saigon, Vietnam.

Everyone in the world searches for peace and meaning in their lives. As adoptees growing up we have searched for comfort in our identity, finding where we fit in. While not entirely accepted in our home countries nor here in Vietnam, we share the feeling of pride and excitement in humbly submerging ourselves into our roots and this gives us peace. Why it is so meaningful to us to come back to our motherland which we were afraid to confront before is almost impossible to put in words, but these interviews shed some light.

The interviews of Tuy Buckner, Brent Kurkoski, Khanh Oehlke, Zion Mitchell, Thao Pross, Kym Blackwell, Tiffany Goodson, Jen Noone, and myself share common sentiments about how much it means for us to live in Vietnam as a part of our daily lives and as a part of our journey in life. While we do not have family, nor relatives to come back to, we have a country, a culture and fortunately each other as we support each other in our quest for self. This gives us comfort in our drive towards peace and meaningfulness. For us living here is a personal fulfillment, a challenge, a learning experience, a struggle, a passion and a good life.

I thank all my friends for sharing their time and their personal feelings with me. While we are lucky to regularly catch up with each other, these interviews offer a better explanation to our friends, family and whoever you might be as to why we are here. These are our words.

-Kevin Minh (March, 2005)

Tuy Buckner

Hometown: Berkeley, CA. USA
Birth date and Birthplace: Aug 1970, November 18, 1971 (birth date/date of arrival at orphanage on certificate) Sa Dec, VN
Occupation: Jeweler, Investor
Duration of stay in VN to date: Been coming to Vietnam to visit and for work since August 1991

1). What do you think is the best thing about living in Vietnam?

I really like the activity of the city. You can really see how people live here since there is more street life. It’s very lively. Another great thing about living here is how people network. Friends will often introduce you to friends which is a great way of meeting people and learning the language. I’ve been here so long, but I’m still learning things culturally.

Another great thing about the street activity is seeing the pretty girls! In the States, people are more closed in whether they’re in their cars or the streets just aren’t as busy. In the States, you might have to go to a club to find the pretty girls, whereas they’re everywhere on the busy streets of Vietnam.

2). What do you miss most about your home country?

I miss the independence of mobility I have because I’m disabled (Tuy was born with polio and unable to walk) . There is a stigma that being disabled means being mentally incapacitated, less motivated.

I miss being able to express myself in the States, whereas it can get frustrating at times here trying to express yourself in a foreign language. However, learning Vietnamese has empowered me.

Finding things that are readily available in the States such as international food are not here.

I have in me a train of thought that the “American Way” is the right way versus the Vietnamese way. For example, I have an interest in bringing my Vietnamese family to the city for opportunity and become self-sufficient in educating themselves and by working. The Vietnamese don’t really foster independence as much as Americans and family members are very reliant on each other which is difficult to change in both practical and cultural sense.

3). What is the most important thing you’ve learned from living in Vietnam?

Humility! You quickly learn the placement in society you occupy. The culture dictates rank through language and age. Also, the directness of questions such as questions like about your age, how much money you earn and even asking for money can feel like an invasion of your privacy. You learn to respond to these questions over time to a point where they’re not personal and your responses become automatic.

Whether you’re working or not, you’re constantly learning. As a foreigner I feel you’re more responsible for your actions because you’re more noticeable.

4). What is one thing that feels strangely comfortable about Vietnamese culture even though you did not grow up with it? What is something about the Vietnamese culture you cannot get used to even though you might accept it?

One thing I find comfortable about Vietnamese culture is the Male role versus how it is in the U.S. In Vietnam it is overemphasized that women take care of their men. One example is how at my Vietnamese family’s house in Sa Dec all men are served first when we eat. For me I don't see this as a means of inequality, but more like appreciation since I support my entire family, I'm the father-figure, and their way of reciprocating is making sure that i'm taken care of.

People don’t assume that I’m Vietnamese at first contact. I don’t have a typical Vietnamese look also because I’m half Filipino. Since I have been coming here since 1991, I’ve been somewhat of an icon, very recognizable and remembered by many even if I haven’t seen them for many years. I stand out with my appearance and like the recognition.

While I understand and accept the reasons at many levels, corruption is still strange to me. For example, you can be driving down the street, the police pull you over which you payoff and leave.

While Vietnam is improving in assisting the street peddlers, it still bothers me to be sitting at a restaurant or café and be attacked by flower, gum or lottery ticket sellers.

5). Would you say that you’ve accomplished what you expected to experience while living in Vietnam? What are your future plans for living in Vietnam? Hopes and aspirations?

I’ve come a long way! My level of mobility from taking cyclos back in the earlier times I came to Vietnam to taking taxis, having bought houses and have business assets in Vietnam to provide for my family here. I’ve tried to deal with family by going step by step, but unfortunately unable to prevent spoiling my family.

I’d like to bring more modern technology and awareness for the disabled people in Vietnam. A goal of mine is to open a wheelchair manufacture which uses modern material such as titanium and employs the disabled to let them be a part of the process including design and manufacturing. I want to stress the importance of using the mind of the disabled to lift the social mentality and accommodations such as access to restaurants, bathrooms, and other public places.

6). Do you find the network of adoptees here to be supportive and how do you see your friendships with adoptees versus other people you have met in Vietnam?

Our network is strong. We have an underlying understanding where each of us is at different stages which helps the development of the group. We learn from each other in language and reacting to situations. I find that introducing others to our adoptee friends helps others better understand each individual. I feel I take as much as I give in our friendships.

I value my friendships with adoptees over new or other friendships. I’m sympathetic to those adoptees who made the voyage to Vietnam, embrace the Vietnamese culture and more importantly the heritage. I'm very passionate about about living in Vietnam and I see in my adoptee friends the improvement over time from living here. Vietnam will improve you and you won’t want to leave!

Stepping outside your comfort zone, you submerge yourself in the humility when facing your unknown culture and heritage. Coming to Vietnam and settling here is something I had to do for myself which my American family supports. I have to reassure my family that I’m okay and that I’ll always go home to see them. I can’t lose that part of me.

Brent Thien Kurkoski

Hometown: Stillwater, MN. USA
Birth date and Birthplace: May 6. 1973 Rach Gia, Vietnam
Occupation :English Teacher
Duration of stay in VN to date: Since January, 2001

1). What do you think is the best thing about living in Vietnam?

The best thing about living in Vietnam is the cost of living which allows me to be more flexible and adaptable to situations. For example, in case of a financial emergency I can afford to survive. When I lived in New York City, either without a place to live or work you’re up shits creek!

Here people will help you out because you’re Vietnamese, even Viet-Kieu (Vietnamese Overseas). I feel I unknowingly contributed to this bond back in the States when I worked in social work and helped out Vietnamese refugees learning daily tasks such as going to the store and buying things. Vietnamese keep their identity with each other by helping each other. It’s reciprocal. There’s an inherent acceptance of each other because of being Vietnamese which crosses international boarders.

I first felt this strong connection with Vietnamese with other adoptees Khanh Oehlke and Jen Noone in New York City. I’ll never forget how I had just met Khanh, he wrapped his arm around me and said, “we’re Vietnamese!” This was a strong bond not only because I identified with being Vietnamese, but also as a fellow adoptee.

2). What do you miss most about your home country?

Not much dude! I miss the cafes. I miss my parents more than I thought I would with them getting older time feels more limited. Having them visit me here made me realize the lapse of time between us. I want them to continue to experience my adoption through my 9 month old child here which is difficult. With my work, my wife and child I feel my feet are finally planted here. Before I thought I might have to leave back to the U.S. which was also comforting, but now I cannot nor do I want to.

I don’t miss the U.S. at all and part of that has to do with the U.S. involvement with war in Iraq and Afghanistan, the Bush administration. I appreciate being a U.S. citizen and my college education, but I don’t miss the U.S.

3). What is the most important thing you’ve learned from living in Vietnam?

I always believed I was adaptable and being here has strengthened my belief. Learning the language, being able to speak Vietnamese, hold a conversation and understanding the body language in the cultural context is very important. Understanding the body language means understanding what it means to be loud or how people smile in different situations. Back in the U.S. yelling implies excitement or anger, but because of the tones in the Vietnamese language, people are more expressive and louder here. Smiles here seem to have dual meaning. People smile out of happiness and also to soften uncomfortable situations whereas people in the U.S. don’t smile if they’re not happy. If someone smiles at you here in Vietnam, it’s sincere, it’s often very bright and you can see it in their eyes. The Vietnamese also smile as a coping mechanism to deal with a bad situation in a respectable way. For example, I was living with a Vietnamese family and there was a dispute. I later looked at the father to see if things were okay and he smiled, but I could see in his eyes that things were not okay.

In intimate and personal relationships, I’ve learned to give, take space and understand how things resolve themselves. Here issues seem to need more airing out whereas walking away from issues back in the U.S. doesn’t resolve problems. From this I’ve learned there is more commitment to relationships here in Vietnam since people might walk away from personal issues, but don’t abandon the relationship.

4). What is one thing that feels strangely comfortable about Vietnamese culture even though you did not grow up with it? What is something about the Vietnamese culture you cannot get used to even though you might accept it?

When I came to Vietnam and each time I come back, seeing Ton Son Nhat Airport makes my heart sputter. The first time I came to Vietnam I remember feeling like I’m coming home even though I hadn’t been here before. I guess I attribute that to being spiritual. I’ve always been spiritual and my spirituality came out here. I feel like I belong here, like I came full circle ..it sounds corny, but as if I came back here to die. Back in the States, I had a great family, great experiences, but I felt like I walked alone. Here I feel like I returned to the source, here I don’t feel alone because people are so open, insatiably curious which facilitates relationships and that’s how I am too. I’m always meeting people. I came here to learn, feel like a kid again, and wide-eyed. While I may have been innocent in this sense I’ve never felt in danger and always feel safe here.

Even though I understand, I don’t fully accept and still struggle with my wife’s family, understanding how family is integrated. For example, it’s been an issue having my grown up brother in law live with us, finding my purpose to him and to be aware of my role to support him. Bringing up this topic is very sensitive and has caused family tension.

5). Would you say that you’ve accomplished what you expected to experience while living in Vietnam? What are your future plans for living in Vietnam? Hopes and aspirations?

Oh way more than I thought! My initial goal coming here was to setup an NGO for adoptees, to sit back and see what the life is like. This idea originally came out of meeting other Vietnamese adoptees back in Chicago. Indigo Williams, who runs AVI, was a big factor in getting me over here and organizing a tour for about eight of us. This was like the study abroad experience I always wish I had back in college. The other adoptees and I wanted to setup an adoptee network and we thought what better place than in our home country. However, we were so much in awe of going out and seeing life so things didn’t get organized then. I also ended up going to see where I was born, Rach Gia, and met a crazy lady who thought she was my mother.

I love living in the big city! When I first came here I would take a map and get lost to find new places. It was a really cool experience! Now I’m settled here, found work, married, have a kid and am about to buy a house. I’ve proved I can survive abroad, learn about my native culture, whereas I was scared about this before. I’ve done this on my own and with the help of locals. Many times people told me they’d help me because I’m Vietnamese which is awesome!

I want to have continuity, completion building the bridge between my two worlds by bringing my son to visit my family in the U.S. I still feel a strong sense of individualism. I have that belief and trust which doesn’t minimize my relationship with family in the U.S. or here. Going forward I will look out for my son, yet I am still comfortable that I’m alone. In the spiritual sense I know will see my maker and everyone who has touched my life, it will overlap. This experience has confirmed in me that everything comes full circle and that the end is never the end.

6). Do you find the network of adoptees here to be supportive and how do you see your friendships with adoptees versus other people you have met in Vietnam?

I hope everyone stays!!! I don’t see this sort of commitment until work or marriage plants you here.

There’s a respect and shared understanding we have for each other as to why we’re here. I know I want to help all the adoptees since I know what it’s like to start fresh here, I was like that before. For example, helping Khanh finding work, a place to live and now through the steps to his upcoming wedding. I share this sentiment with my wife to help as much as I can and she understands. I do this out of being here longer as Tuy has also helped me. The shared understanding and reason for being here is important.

Khanh Oehlke

Hometown: Rockford, IL. USA
Birth date and Birthplace: October 4, 1974 (Found near Saigon River and brought to New Haven Orphanage).
Occupation: English Teacher
Duration of stay in VN to date: 2 week visit in 2002. Since February 2, 2003

1). What do you think is the best thing about living in Vietnam?

The best thing about living in Vietnam is the community feel. People are always out on the street; having coffee, food, buying/selling hats, souvenirs, lottery tickets, or just smoking a cigarette watching the day pass. I like that people are very sociable. It's a common thing for strangers to strike up a conversation with one another while having coffee on the street. There is also the neighborhood community, where the kids are always playing, and neighbors regularly socialize. From my experience I find that people helping each other is reciprocal. Helping is not expected, but if someone asks for your help you'd help and what goes around comes around. I sense that generally if you can help, you do. From motorbike accidents to public arguments in the streets, by-standers always crowd around, and are always more than willing to offer their own account. Times I've forgotten money to pay for street coffee, food, or even photocopying, it's never a problem to pay next time.
I like the fact that I can be lazy if I want to and I also like enjoy working. My teaching schedule gives me time to do things I want to such as play music, Playstation 2 - Madden Football, study Vietnamese, play soccer and exercise.
Other things I like about living here are the food and the motorbikes. I'm getting used to the heat better than when I first got here. I've visited the countryside before and am excited about doing it again soon. I think being with Vietnamese out in the countryside is amazing because my western lifestyle compared to their rural lifestyle is so completely different. It's a different way of life. I remember seeing the house boats in Ha Long Bay back when I visited in 2001. That was fuck'n really cool!

2). What do you miss most about your home country?

I miss family, friends, music, and watching football (Packers!). I miss the change in seasons though the last winter when I visited this past Christmas was fuck’n freezing! I miss the ease of seeing my family if I wanted to and talking to them on the phone.

A lot of music here I can't really get into. I miss the variety of music back in the States. Most of the live music here is all pop cover songs, so you and I gotta get this band thing movin' dammit.

I miss watching football back home, watching the Packer games with my dad and brother. I miss the office pools and gambling that goes with it.

3). What is the most important thing you’ve learned from living in Vietnam?

I learned that I belong here. I have my family back in the States who I love to death, but I feel like I belong in Vietnam. Even before I came here I kinda knew this about myself. I had always dreamt of coming here, and now that I'm living here, it's difficult to imagine myself anywhere else.
I've also learned I haven't learned jackshit. I have learned a lot, but there's so much more ahead of me. I sometimes lack that extra motivation to study Vietnamese, to go to the gym. I know I need to take better care of my health, want to be more in touch with the Phu My Orphanage that I went to during my first visit to Vietnam, and not be so lazy with my daily plans. I know I still have so much to learn about living here.

4). What is one thing that feels strangely comfortable about Vietnamese culture even though you did not grow up with it? What is something about the Vietnamese culture you cannot get used to even though you might accept it?

I feel comfortable here searching for my roots through getting to know people and their customs. For example I lived with a Vietnamese family for a year and I had thought my family of three in the U.S. was big, but living with my friend's family here which is more than twice the size of mine was a whole other experience, next I'˜ll have a family of my own and we'll see what that's like.
The traffic, especially the truck drivers annoy the shit out of me. I'm used to it, but it's kinda outta hand! The pushing and shoving in lines is also annoying. For example I went to the Hospital where people pushed their way in front of you to get to the window and there's just no sense of personal space.

5). Would you say that you’ve accomplished what you expected to experience while living in Vietnam? What are your future plans for living in Vietnam? Hopes and aspirations?

I think I've accomplished quite a bit just in getting here, to be honest. I feel I'm very fortunate to have been able to come back and stay here. But 30 years in the States is a lot of time to make up for. No matter how long I stay, I'll still be 30 years behind.
I have come closer to realizing my goal of makings some music. I've got a drum set again. Next step is to buy or send for my guitar and buy a computer.
I think most importantly I really need to improve my ability to communicate in Vietnamese.

6). Do you find the network of adoptees here to be supportive and how do you see your friendships with adoptees versus other people you have met in Vietnam?

It's definitely supportive, it's automatic. We all connect on different levels yet we have a common bond that makes us know we're there for each other. We're similar in that we all have come from a western background, and have chosen to retain some of those ways. For example, we generally like to stay out later than most locals, and are okay with renting houses at the foreigner rate. Most Vietnamese haven't been abroad so it's hard for them to understand why we are willing to pay more to eat out at restaurants. At the same time, people are people. Back in 2000 I wrote a poem The Perfect Shape that speaks to this bond. I'm closer to some adoptees than others, but living here together, having moved to a strange place, having the language barrier, being the farthest from everything we've ever known including our families just increases our common experiences, and has made that fundamental bond even stronger. It's a crazy thing!
To me, the circle is a perfect shape for a lot of reasons. But I feel it's representative of all that has been, is, and will be. It's traced all of our journies, having left Vietname so long ago, and now coming back.

Zion Mitchell

Hometown: Melbourne, AUS
Birth date and Birthplace: September 3, 19747 Vinh Long, VN
Occupation: English Teacher and Tennis Coach
Duration of stay in VN to date: April 2004 on 1 week tour. Since May 2004

1). What do you think is the best thing about living in Vietnam?

Being an adoptee, finding my missing half of my identity, my heritage, has helped me feel at peace with my environment and myself. Another great thing about living in Vietnam is the feeling of closenes to Vietnamese people because of sympathy or understanding which I feels stems from caring and showing that their happy that I came back.

I also really enjoy the energy of the city and being a part of it. For example, it’s great to be driving around on a motorbike, being a part of the predominantly young culture which is full of energy, continuous new investments, and social changes. The trends here are exciting!

Vietnam is also a very livable country and Saigon is an easy city to live in . Maybe ignorance is bliss so maybe I perceive life the way I want to see it, but in comparison to life in Australia, it’s very safe here which was not a notion I had before coming here.

The food is the most different, yet most important thing which I feel really agrees with me and it’s cheap.. Very affordable!

2). What do you miss most about your home country?

I miss my friends and family, but know they’re always there and I accept the reality that everyone has their own lives to live, but the far distance makes me miss them more. I also miss my independence and convenience in my daily life back in Australia. This has to do with my language barrier which makes doing things such as buying something on the street less convenient here plus things here seem to move at a slower pace.

3). What is the most important thing you’ve learned from living in Vietnam?

Having gone back to my orphanage and seeing the history of my records that confirm my existence before my adoption was extremely meaningful. Living in Vietnam also makes me feel much more appreciative of my friends and family back in Australia. With my friends and family’s support and encouragement makes me feel comfortable in Vietnam and want to appreciate Vietnam at a deeper level. I find they knew better and were more encouraging than how I felt about coming back to Vietnam. They helped me overcome my apprehension of the old rural image of Vietnam and that it’s dangerous to come here which was ingrained in my mind.

It felt like a phenomenon coming back here and something that I knew that I had to do. Vietnam is very spiritual which goes along with my recent openeness to spirituality and energies over the past few years. Vietnamese people are very spiritual here in the sense that they are very energetic which feels relatable. My acceptance of where I stand as a Vietnamese adoptee is very comfortable for me, something I’m very proud of. Also being surrounded by Vietnamese environement and being familiar with it is very comforting knowing I have the choice and can fit in here as well as in Australia.
4). What is one thing that feels strangely comfortable about Vietnamese culture even though you did not grow up with it? What is something about the Vietnamese culture you cannot get used to even though you might accept it?

I used to hear the Vietnamese langauge as loud, abrupt and harsh. I then realized that’s the way I speak too, but just in another language! Also, riding a motorbike is something I love despite the innate knowledge that it’s dangerous.

Something I don’t like is the way people dress here. I find the mens’ way of dressing especially uptight, yet changing for the better.

5). Would you say that you’ve accomplished what you expected to experience while living in Vietnam? What are your future plans for living in Vietnam? Hopes and aspirations?

When I first arrived here, I had no expectations nor obligations. After deciding to settle things started to change as I transformed from the tourist to local mentality. Once I found work here I felt my identity shift since work is a major reason why anyone settles in a place.

I feel like I’ve achieved a lot emotionally and spiritually which has allowed me to be at peace. I feel very lucky! I’ve learned that luck comes to everyone and that you need to be aware and make decisions following your heart versus your head. I feel that this approach is more spiritual and the right way for me.

On a work level, teaching English full-time and coaching the number one tennis player in Vietnam feels very satisfying since it feels like I’m giving back to Vietnam.

Having found a soul mate, being engaged, is more valuable than all the assets I had back in Australia. With my friends and future wife I feel more at ease staying here. Staying her long term I feel that this support network has helped me learn the culture very fast.

6). Do you find the network of adoptees here to be supportive and how do you see your friendships with adoptees versus other people you have met in Vietnam?

I feel very lucky to have found each other. More than just being adopted we’re connected on many levels. Adoptees are all very supportive, understanding, yet independent. We accept each other because we allow each other to find ourselves at each owns pace. I have a feeling of brotherhood and sisterhood with each other.

Kym Le Blackwell

Hometown: Birmingham, England
Birth date and Birthplace: November 3, 1974 Saigon, Vietnam; September 6, 1974
Occupation: Entrepreneur/IT Manager
Duration of stay in VN to date: Since July, 20 2004; 3 months visiting prior

1). What do you think is the best thing about living in Vietnam?

It’s financially easy, cheap to live here. The lifestyle and pace of life is better, easier and less stressful here. For example, going to coffee in the UK you still feel stressed by other worries on your mind whereas here having coffee is so common, even a part of work meetings, and easy going.

I like dressing how I want to and not seeming pretentious whereas in England the society is more dictating about dress codes such as entering clubs or going to certain places which makes you someone you don’t want to be.

I like that I don’t have to pretend to be someone else to fit in, I automatically fit in. Fitting in has made things easier. Back in the UK I worry about my features from a white person’s eyes. I feel at ease here. This feeling was instant from the first time I visited and I felt that something ignited inside of me that I didn’t feel before.

Back in England the question “where are you from?” made me feel defensive since I knew it implied that people where inquiring about my origins while I had lived in England most of my life. My first reflex to this sensitive question was defensive.

2). What do you miss most about your home country?

I unfortunately didn’t get to formerly say goodbye, prepare myself as settling here just happened because of my relationship with Thao. I miss my close friends, but otherwise not a lot to be honest.

I miss the ease of use of certain services such as finding information or paying bills which can be limited to me by language barrier. I think expectations of what people can do for me are so different here such as being able to pick up a phone and getting answers. Here I have to frequently repeat myself.

I also miss sports that I did with friends back in England like football, mountain biking, jogging, badminton, and swimming.

3). What is the most important thing you’ve learned from living in Vietnam?

I’ve learned to be more patient, to be more self-critical and I’m also learning the Vietnamese language. I’ve learned the different levels of where I’m at in settling here compared to other adoptees who’ve been here for different amounts of time. This has helped me gained perspective about how to live here. In becoming more self-critical I find myself putting myself in other person’s shoes which has become an introspective learning process. I’m more conscious of how others perceive me and I don’t want to come across as arrogant. I found in England, people can be arrogant just to try to fit in whereas this is not important to me here. I feel more comfortable here.
4). What is one thing that feels strangely comfortable about Vietnamese culture even though you did not grow up with it? What is something about the Vietnamese culture you cannot get used to even though you might accept it?

For the first time I can say I’m Vietnamese whereas before I was Vietnamese born living in England.

Understanding the Vietnamese culture such as the roles of the family, rank and how people accept you like family is comfortable. Living with Thao, we have no connection to Vietnamese family whereas some other adoptees have partner’s family to which they can relate to, but my prior experience living with a local friend’s family was great!

I feel like I’m still a novice so not sure what is strange since everything about the culture is still rather new so I’m still learning a lot.

5). Would you say that you’ve accomplished what you expected to experience while living in Vietnam? What are your future plans for living in Vietnam? Hopes and aspirations?

Just recently finally deciding to stay here was a big decision since this wasn’t something I had planned before coming here. I still have yet accomplish working here, yet to see how it’s culturally different work wise versus working in England.

6). Do you find the network of adoptees here to be supportive and how do you see your friendships with adoptees versus other people you have met in Vietnam?

I feel at ease with each other having been in the same boat during our lives. Everyone makes it quite easy for the other person, giving opinions. The understanding amongst us is automatic which has helped me learn to express my feelings. It’s strange because I’ve never been open about my feelings and sharing experiences, but with other adoptees it’s easier.

Silke Thao Pross

Hometown: Munich, Germany
Birth date and Birthplace: September, 26, 1974
Occupation: Product Manager, Entrepreneur
Duration of stay in VN to date: Visited several times since 1998 (3 months). May, 2004-December, 2005

1). What do you think is the best thing about living in Vietnam?

Ca phe sua da! I’m addicted to Vietnamese ice coffee!

It’s amazing how people are genuinely welcoming, supportive and helpful.

Life is slower here and sometimes this sucks, but I like it, it’s more relaxed. Despite the busy city environment, it’s still more relaxed here. In the West there’s more pressure from others and yourself to have a busy schedule.

I like being the same as others as long as I don’t open my mouth, draw attention to myself by opening my mouth and speaking Vietnamese. Growing up in Germany, I was oversensitive about being noticed and stressed out about having a different appearance.

2). What do you miss most about your home country?

I miss my friends! I also miss German attitudes about structure and reliability. For example, I’d say there are no traffic rules here compared to driving in Germany. Working here is also different. Efficiency here is different where daily responsibility is more towards getting a task and doing it. There’s less flexibility and self-initiative in work ethic here.

3). What is the most important thing you’ve learned from living in Vietnam?

Being able to ride a motorbike is exciting!

When growing up in Germany I felt something was missing, belonging somewhere. Getting to know Vietnam has brought me a sense of peace my need of belonging has gone away. Being here I’ve become more appreciative of Germany. I now know I can belong in both worlds.

4). What is one thing that feels strangely comfortable about Vietnamese culture even though you did not grow up with it? What is something about the Vietnamese culture you cannot get used to even though you might accept it?

I like the family ties, celebration, worship of festivals and holidays. I sometimes feel lost like when I go to a pagoda, but I really enjoy it! Germany is an evolved modern culture. Despite younger generations changing society, the Vietnamese cultures and traditions remain strong and original.

There’s a gender gap between women and men in Vietnam and this is difficult to accept. Here rolls seem very rigid where men and women are not equal in the workplace or out in public, there’s no overlapping. Vietnamese men are hardly gentlemen. Men here expect women to serve and take care of them, not the other way around. This inequality is the norm here whereas this is seen as negative, a social setback in western culture.

5). Would you say that you’ve accomplished what you expected to experience while living in Vietnam? What are your future plans for living in Vietnam? Hopes and aspirations?

I want to learn the language more so not to struggle and continue to motivate myself so I can be more comfortable.

I have several business projects that I want to get started including: Saigon Streetwear, Chili Kids, exporting Vespas and gift export. Things move slowly here and I want to find a middle ground for faster progress.

6). Do you find the network of adoptees here to be supportive and how do you see your friendships with adoptees versus other people you have met in Vietnam?

This is something I didn’t have growing up so meeting adoptees was very nice and to now have these tight bonds is amazing. We have the same backgrounds, the desire to setup a life in a different environment and being able to talk about experiences with people who understand it is worth so much. To know each adoptee gives me strength. It would be totally different without each other, the bond we have is even difficult to describe. I also enjoy my friendships with locals, but what I miss most is a female counterpart with a similar western perspective.

Kevin Minh Gripenberg

Hometown: Larchmont, NY. USA
Birth date and Birthplace: February 14, 1973; Saigon, VN
Occupation: Daydreamer/Marketing (IT, Travel & Leisure) Consultant/Teacher
Duration of stay in VN to date: 1996-97 Hanoi, Since March 15, 2004 in Saigon

1). What do you think is the best thing about living in Vietnam?

I really enjoy the closeness and strong sense of community sharing of Vietnamese society which I find translates to the Vietnamese being very friendly people in general. Physically people are close in their daily lives sharing food at home, sharing tables at restaurants with strangers, riding on their motorbikes in mass, and living with family (usually extended family too). To foreigners this might seem crowded or like an invasion of personal space, however, one can really appreciate how people make the best of it and don't mind being close. As long as you know that a random push or shove is not meant as offensive. I find wester culture to cultivate too much alienation because of lack of sharing, lack of physical contact and overemphasis of independence.

Another thing I really love is how the Vietnamese language is very playful. People tend to joke more, speak directly and passionately even about the simplest things whether they talk about how good/bad a meal was, that they love a song or that it’s hot outside. They just come out and say it whether the statement seems obvious or redundant. This type of openness is refreshing whereas western culture feels more repressed in how one expresses one’s feelings seeming that expressing certain comments require appropriate timing or etiquette. For example, it’s fine for someone to tell me that I got a bad haircut or that I’ve gained some weight. In the U.S. this type of behavior would be considered rude or only expected with people I’m close with whereas Vietnamese find it okay to talk about with anyone.

2). What do you miss most about your home country?

I miss my family, especially being able to know my niece and nephews growing up. My parents, sisters and I have always been very independent so I feel comfortable doing my own thing here, but it’s hard to see them with me being so far away. I hope they come see my life here one day.

I also miss how technology has made things convenient such as using the internet at home for online shopping, paying bills online and just having reliable internet connection. I miss something as simple as being able to use my checking card for purchases everywhere instead of having to carry cash. While these things are becoming a part of life in Vietnam, they are still new and not widespread in Vietnam.

While I feel comfortable living in a metropolitan city such as Saigon, I do miss the larger diversity of cities like New York and San Francisco. Diversity in the population carries over to how people dress, eat a and of courses act. Saigon is becoming more diverse with other Asian influences as well as Western cultures, but still a very homogenous city compared to most cities in the U.S.

3). What is the most important thing you’ve learned from living in Vietnam?

Life in Vietnam is definitely a slower pace which either drives you crazy or you learn to adjust to it. Having lived in the NYC and San Francisco areas I am programmed in a ‘dog eat dog’ mentality meaning if you don’t do something right away someone else will beat you to it. The Vietnamese are more laid back about expectations of how things happen. The Vietnamese work hard and hustle too, but are much calmer yet assured things will get done. This laid back attitude has a soothing affect on everyone. People take more time catching up with friends, family and worry less about beating the person next to them.

4). What is one thing that feels strangely comfortable about Vietnamese culture even though you did not grow up with it? What is something about the Vietnamese culture you cannot get used to even though you might accept it?

Just seeing a population that I look like is very comforting. I can finally find clothes and shoes that are mostly in my size. I really love how so many people wear slippers. They’re so comfortable!

Like many adoptees, I grew up in a predominantly white community where I was the token Asian kid which took on stereotypes such as being a nerd, knowing karate or speaking Chinese which weren’t true. It’s comforting to see such a diverse Vietnamese population and find aspects that I really relate to. I definitely relate to the way of eating 4-5 times a day which seems excessive, albeit the portions are smaller and healthier. Food here has so much taste and each dish has its own purpose in the meal.

While the language dictates certain formalities with rank in how you address someone, I feel very comfortable with how people tend to be very informal and familiar with each other even at first contact. There are no hang-ups about sharing food or dinks with strangers. People here act on an instinct of friendliness rather than fear and mistrust which is unfortunately prevalent in western cultures.

One thing I pinch myself when I experience it is how people make fun of you. As a foreigner this can be perceived as mean or rude, but Vietnamese are very affectionate about this. In Vietnamese culture it’s sometimes considered taboo to praise someone so instead they joke and say the exact opposite. Learning not only the language, but also the nuances and mannerisms is difficult to get used to because many expressions have double-meaning or the figurative context that has little to do with the actual words. For example, they’ll laugh at you and say you’re ugly while meaning that you’re beautiful so not to inflate your ego. You just have to understand this type of teasing is playful and not personal.

5). Would you say that you’ve accomplished what you expected to experience while living in Vietnam? What are your future plans for living in Vietnam? Hopes and aspirations?

Just being here as long as possible is a goal I feel I’m realizing. I don’t know that I’ll be fluent in Vietnamese any day soon, but I feel my Vietnamese is good and still improving. To be able to speak fluently is definitely a goal. It’s very empowering and comforting to not only get by, but to be able to participate in conversation freely to experience and understand everything.

I plan on staying in Vietnam long-term, have a business with friends (Kym & Thao), and eventually marry. My resolution to stay here comes from my many experiences of living in different cities, countries and finding that Vietnam is where I want to be. Personally it’s very meaningful and if I have to make a routine anywhere I’d most want to do it here.

6). Do you find the network of adoptees here to be supportive and how do you see your friendships with adoptees versus other people you have met in Vietnam?

It’s definitely a unique and very special network of adoptees here. Individually, we’ve been here various lengths of time and find great moral support in our friendships which makes staying here easier. Without a doubt, we share similar perspectives of adjusting to the culture that can be understood without words. I feel an unconditional love towards the adoptees here as I would to my own family back in the states for the adoptees are my family in Vietnam. It’s really amazing to have this experience of actually “doing it” ..living in Vietnam and to be able to share it on a daily basis with other adoptees is inspiring! It feels like we adoptees are not only doing it for ourselves, our family’s & friend’s back home, but also for each other.

[Interview Added July, 2008]

Tiffany Chi Goodson

Hometown: Minneapolis, MN. USA
Birth date and Birthplace: December 19, 1974
Occupation: Teacher
Duration of stay in VN to date: July 29, 2007 - July 2008

1). What do you think is the best thing about living in Vietnam?

When I was little, I was caught up in the ‘what if’ ..what if I didn’t come to the US and now I get to live out that dream, experience what it’s like to live in Vietnam which is something I always dreamt about. I like all the aspects such as the food, people and climate. Before, the only thing I had to go on was movies. I like that garden terrace on the roof top over there and things like rot iron gates. They’re oriental and ornamental. Seeing familiar faces, characteristics, and blending in has its advantages. I feel fortunate to not have grown up in Vietnam, have the opportunities, life is a gift and I’ve been given an extra gift, I have 2 families.

2). What do you miss most about your home country?

Coin operated laundromats. You can throw in the coins, go get a coffee, come back and feel your soft laundry. In Hanoi, I brought my clothes to get them washed and became friends with the manager. In the beginning of my stay in Vietnam, I really missed my friends and family, but I’m used to living far away from everyone. It’s been a decade that everyone in my family hasn’t been in the same city.

I miss organic food because I began becoming concerned for my health when I left LA. I miss buying and preparing my own food. Organic is a choice against farm factories, a statement to help the environment. I see how animals are treated here (monkeys cooped in small cages, cats on small leashes) or hear about how vegetables are grown here. Animals being carried to the market in inhumane ways or one time I clearly remember a hill tribe boy torturing a small cat, beating it with a stick. I’m not an animal activist, but seeing how it doesn’t phase some people was shocking in the beginning, then I accept is a cultural difference. We’ve grown up in the US with the mantra to ‘treat people how you would want to be treated,’ but you see people here act more like they are focused on their ‘family unit’ as if that’s the only thing that matters. For example, if you see an accident you help, but here people don’t help. I heard this about a French woman who had a motorbike accident where the motorbike landed on her leg, the exhaust pipe was burning her leg. The doctor said had she waited any longer that he’d have to amputate her leg. Finally someone did help her. Another issue is domestic abuse; people don’t intervene because it’s just not their business. All my perceptions are viewed through a lens of westernized conditioning so it’s not my job to change peoples’ ways of thinking.

3). What is the most important thing you’ve learned from living in Vietnam?

That I have to look out for my own interests, it’s difficult to trust people. I had an experience with my job where they reneged on my contract. People won’t always tell you the truth, but what you want to hear. For instance I was supposed to have internet installed back in December and instead got it in May just hearing, “next week, next week…” Vietnam time is not western time. Things happen in their own sweet time. I learned to be patient, accept things beyond my control. I don’t have family here to give me advice like others, but I’ve always been independent. I do get lonely sometimes, though I do want my own space and time to myself which locals don’t necessarily understand.

I’ve learned to let go of the past. That’s a recent development. I’m pretty quick to give a disclaimer that I’m born here, I’m adopted, grew up with a white family. I’m the sum of my experiences. Now I don’t need to put it all out there. I used to feel like I had to prove myself not to be boring. I feel like I can walk away from that.

4). What is one thing that feels strangely comfortable about Vietnamese culture even though you did not grow up with it? What is something about the Vietnamese culture you cannot get used to even though you might accept it?

The driving. It first appears as madness, but then you see the organization behind the chaos. It’s like walking through Grand Central Station and not walking into each other. The way people ‘jerry-rig’ things, how people make things work. I did that when my side view mirror ripped off so I duct taped it back and that worked. Utilizing what you have, not throwing away everything. I used to be such a pack rat.

The standard of cleanliness here is something I can’t accept back home, but I accept it. Back in the US we hide our junk under our beds or in closets, but here it’s an eyesore. They don’t repaint here so you see stains on walls. The indoor smoking bothers me. You leave smelling like an ashtray, your eyes are stinging, and you have a soar throat. People trying to charge you more for what something is worth. I realize that money means more to them than me. I’ll pay 20,000 VND for flowers even if it’s worth 5,000 VND. Anywhere you go you’ll have shit to bitch about, but I don’t want to hold onto negativity. I want to understand every case in its cultural context.

5). Would you say that you’ve accomplished what you expected to experience while living in Vietnam? What are your future plans for living in Vietnam? Hopes and aspirations?

Yes! In one year I feel like I’ve used my time very well. I do feel like I could have used my time better to study Vietnamese. I taught 500 students, taught yoga and did guest presentations at the American Center.

Honestly, I can’t wait to leave. I had considered to stay another year, though there are some things calling me home. I feel saturated with Vietnamese. No matter where I am I feel restless after one year. From the ages 8-13 I moved every year. From this I have what I’d call the travel bug. These experiences also allowed me to adapt quickly in new environments. It honed my powers of observation. I’d love to come back and come back to live here. There’s so much opportunity and experience here, but that’s enough for now. It’s an intrigue that will never die, a fascination that will always exist. There’s a lot more feeling, this is a romantic country, people feel close knit bond with others. I didn’t grow up with that, but I do have these emotions in my veins. Part of it stems from tragedy and everyone has their stories of woe. Though in the US, people seemingly have everything and they are depressed, whereas people here have less and seem happy, they have company.

6). Do you find the network of adoptees here to be supportive and how do you see your friendships with adoptees versus other people you have met in Vietnam?

Yes! Every time I wanted to meet up they’ve come through. When I met Zion, there’s an automatic understanding. His story is my story. Overall, the adoptees here are more supportive. We have a common thread being torn away from our motherland and coming to grips with who we are. I always felt a sense of missing a link, and then coming here there’s a chapter I can close that’s been open all my life.

7). What about living in Vietnam as an American woman?

Definitely here we’re viewed as the weaker sex. Part of my contract review was to get a bicycle and my director was overprotective, acting as if I can’t take care of myself. It’s not a bad thing. I’m naturally an independent person, I don’t want someone telling me what to do, give someone the pleasure of helping me. I’m also friends with more guys which is probably interpreted differently when they came to visit me at my place. What annoyed me was that the only Vietnamese men that wanted to hang out with me were married men who thought it’s acceptable. No single guys here attempted, maybe they’re intimidated.

[Interview Added September, 2008]

Jen Nguyen Noone

Hometown: Garden City South, NY (USA)
Birth date and Birthplace: January 28, 1975. District 5 – Saigon.
Occupation: Social Worker
Duration of stay in VN to date: March 26, 2008 - February 2009

1). What do you think is the best thing about living in Vietnam?

The richness of the culture. Absolutely! Coming from New York City everything is mixed, but there is no one defined culture, no answer to what culture is. The warmth and friendliness of the culture is another thing. I find in most developing countries that most people are welcoming and open. Vietnamese are happy to have visitors here. Aside from financial gain, they really want to get to know about foreigners, where we come from and they are curious to know what we think of Vietnam.

The beauty of the landscape is great, though to be honest Saigon isn’t as beautiful as some other places. The food is really good too! Being vegetarian I find that people are respectful whereas it’s not always the same in the US. People are also very patient with me about learning the language, help me and wait for me when I try to speak. At the same time it’s helpful that people here also speak English when I need to communicate. Lastly, the pace is relaxing. The fact that you can sit at a café or restaurant and not feel like you’re in a hurry. Maybe I say that because I’m from New York.

2). What do you miss most about your home country?

Family and friends. It’s a different time for me in my life. My family dynamics have changed since my brother now has kids and my mother is alone. I want to remain close with my family, but being here doesn’t help that. Coming to live in Vietnam is something that I wanted to do for myself and they are supportive.

As much as I love teaching English, I miss practicing social work. Social work has always been something I wanted to do and I knew I was going to miss it when I came here. I’ve done this before having temporarily left my job to live in Central America (Guatemala) but, I’m content and feel fortunate to be here and experience this. I see it as a privilege.

Another thing I miss is things being easier to get to, being able to go out the door, hop on the train, read a book and being there in 25 minutes..not worrying about getting into an accident. Lastly, I also miss jogging in Central Park.

3). What is the most important thing you’ve learned from living in Vietnam?

You need to be flexible, open-minded and stay positive. The importance of language is something I learned through this experience. If something happens that you didn’t expect you can get frustrated, or even better, try to understand the situation. The last thing I want to be is obnoxious foreigner who thinks her culture is better. You need to understand where people are coming from. In general I’m a positive person which is helpful, but I also need to be careful that I don’t just think the best of every situation and come off as clueless.

Language is so important to understand how the culture’s language is reflective on the culture and that we have two different languages & cultures no matter if I’m speaking to a Vietnamese or even another foreigner.

When I speak Vietnamese I’m aware that I’m very limited which I feel I’m not presenting my full self, but stay positive and it’s fine. It’s hard to explain, but I learn something everyday whether it’s about how people behave or practical things…like cutting a pineapple.

One thing that strange is when I explain about being adopted. I know that people know about the war, but they don’t know about the thousands of adoptees who left Vietnam at that time.

4). What is one thing that feels strangely comfortable about Vietnamese culture even though you did not grow up with it? What is something about the Vietnamese culture you cannot get used to even though you might accept it?

How easily I fit in. Physically that is. I know you know what I mean. Honestly that’s the only thing. I feel most comfortable when I’m riding my motorbike and blending in, not talking to anyone. With the language I don’t know what’s going on. For example, I go to the gym, I hear people talking sometimes to me and I can only acknowledge them with a smile.

Another thing I’m very comfortable with is the warm weather. However, the driving drives me nuts!! I know people in Boston don’t drive well, but here people here pull out in front of you like there’s no liability. I can accept many things like having to go to the toilet on the dirt ground or being discriminated against, but not the impulsive driving.

I get angry when I see kids on the street corner of Nguyen Thi Minh Khai knowing there's a possibility that adults are allowing their kids to beg for money, sometimes completely naked , rolling on the ground covered in filth at 12 AM. I see it as a form of abuse. However, if they don’t have parents, then it’s easier for me to accept this situation.

5). Would you say that you’ve accomplished what you expected to experience while living in Vietnam? What are your future plans for living in Vietnam? Hopes and aspirations?

I don’t know if I’ll ever feel like I’ve accomplished anything because it’s not concrete for me. I came here to learn Vietnamese and about the life here. When I leave after a year’s time it won’t be enough, but at least it’s something. I’m glad that I’m here and getting here is an accomplishment for me on a lot of different levels such as independence and maturity that I’ve reached.

My plans are short-term because of my family. Things are fine, but I want to be closer to them. When I leave here I don’t know when I’ll be back, but I definitely will whether to visit, to live or even to adopt a child as I have thought about that.

6). Do you find the network of adoptees here to be supportive and how do you see your friendships with adoptees versus other people you have met in Vietnam?

Oh yeah. Absolutely. There are a lot more adoptees here than I had thought. Sometimes I think about adoptees from other countries, if they go back to their homelands and have the same experience.

I feel fortunate to have adoptee friends here because otherwise I’d feel lonely. They are my main support. Adoptees here are supportive on different levels such as introducing the city and also introducing other adoptees to me. There is something extra with friends who are adoptees, that you understand that person. While being adopted is something in common, it doesn’t always mean you’ll be friends. Being adopted is just one point about a person and sometimes you have that in common, but nothing else.

7). What about living in Vietnam as an American woman?

I feel like I don’t truly ever fit in wherever I am. Sometimes I don’t even fit in America as a female being 33 and single because of being independent and doing what I want to do with my life.

I find it’s different here in Vietnam. The mindset is changing and becoming more Western. Even though they don’t always follow Western Culture, they understand it. Somehow I don’t feel as I’m disrespected as a female here or maybe I’m not in situations that I feel this way. For the short time I taught in schools here I felt discriminated against as a Viet-Kieu (Vietnamese overseas), but otherwise I’ve been well received in my other teaching jobs.

I also feel I benefit from being American. I work less, but am paid more than locals. I’m almost amazed how much more I can get paid. I totally see how other people who have money retire here!

2004-5 Compilation and some nostalgia

2004-06-24T22:12:00.000-07:00

It's not just money - July 4, 2005

Cross cultural relationships are always interesting, exciting, and sometimes complicated. Of course, one can learn about dating, marriage from books and conversation, but let me give you my 2 cents. This is insight from a foreigner living in Vietnam, a viet-kieu (vietnamese overseas). While I am a foreigner having lived 99% of my life in the U.S., my outward Vietnamese looks does not permit me a free pass to be ignorant to local culture and I even am somewhat expected to understand certain Vietnamese nuances of romantic relationships and marriage. My insight is based on living in Hanoi and Saigon so not the entire country of Vietnam or Vietnamese living overseas.

Marriage and money: While you might come into a relationship thinking that you are independent and control finances, this is not the case in Vietnamese marriages. The money always goes to the wife. Eventhough there are exceptions to the rule, couples are becoming more equal, this is how it's been and what women want. What she does with the money of course varies from family to family. The bottom line is that husbands usually make the salary and hand it over to the wives to control. There is rarely the 50/50 bank account as in Western style relationships.

Independence and dependence: While I come from a country that was founded on independence, Vietnamese are quite the contrary when it comes to love, friendships and most of all family which is the base of all relationships. I do not contend that the “American Way” is better, but this can certainly pose conflict in relationships where women can expect full financial support from their boyfriends or husbands. While women’s independence, self empowerment through education and work is more prevalent in Vietnamese society (primarily cities), there is still a socioeconomic gender inequality.

Personal favors: The Vietnamese are amongst many things very warm and helpful. Helping someone is human nature and the strength of Vietnamese society relies heavily on dependence. In Vietnamese society there is also an underlying non written and non verbal trade going on. It is a trade of favors. Some cultures perceive personal favors at face value while other cultures consider favors unethical or even as bribery. While I do not deny that Vietnamese can be unselfish and generous, you must not be blind to the fact that a favor taken might be a favor owed later on. Simply put, I scratch your back so you scratch mine.

Saigon is so hot… - Jan 23, 2005

1. You have industrial size fans blowing on you when sitting outside at cafes cooling you down to a not so fresh 95 F, (35 degrees celsius).

2. You desperately search for that patch of shade when coming to a stop light on your motorbike.

3. Going to the swimming pool is not so refreshing.

4. You take a sip of your ice coffee, a quarter of your drink has sweated through and wets your lap when you reach for your glass.

5. Wearing a denim jacket in the blazing sun is something you might try.

6. Feeling the cool breeze when passing the Saigon Tax Center with its doors wide open and air condition blowing out doesn’t seem like a waste to you.

7. Sleeping from 12-3 PM doesn’t seem like a waste of your day.

8. Waking up at 5 AM to exercise seems less crazy, but you still won’t do.

9. Those cold mini towels that they serve you at restaurants are the next best thing next to duct tape.

10. Eating hot soup really cools you off!

Sublime Reality - Nov 18, 2004

There are certain subconscious moments a foreigner in Vietnam experiences that are felt without planning ahead. Between the reality of the city clamor and disbelief that you are actually in Vietnam is a sublime reality. It is this moment that defines what it’s really like to be living in Vietnam.

When the ominous clouds encroach on the orange sweltering sun and the humidity is as much as you can possibly bare, you hear a low rumble that adds to cacophony of the city’s beeping motorbikes, honking cars and the high pitched chatter of pedestrians.

A calmness then suddenly overcomes the city and there’s a minute of silence that everyone observes as they feel the cool air brushes over and the light dims in anticipation of the imminent moment you have been waiting for. A few light warm rain drops touch your head to which you are aware, but unbothered by. Then the drops contact your arm discretely telling you to take heed.

In the blink of an eye the city transforms from dry fire hazard conditions to a tropical forest flood state. Motorbike riders calmly and carefully pull over to the side of the road in mass to do a race car style pit stop and transform themselves from their daily wear by blanketing themselves with a varying array of rain panchos. Without missing a beat, they are quickly on their way and seemingly unbothered and unknowingly calmed by this event.

Narrow Alleys - Sept 9, 2004

In the middle of the steaming hot bustling activity of Ho Chi Minh City you can get away from it all by turning off a major road into one of millions of the city’s narrow alley ways whether you intend to or accidentally got lost. It’s amazing that people confidently buzz through these passages that are sometimes bearly shoulder width on their motorbikes and are busy with people going about their routine activities.

When navigating these tight corridors you'll be suprised to see so much activity from people sitting on stools eating noodles, people playing a full court game of soccer, and vendors selling anything from cigarettes to clothes.

One sure way to end up in these alleys is trying to find a place such as a friend’s house or a restaurant for the first time. As you enter on of these various mazes you can easily lose your orientation which makes getting out later on another adventure. What’s amazing about these alleys is not only the narrowness, the endless turns, but also what you find in them. Contrary to the danger you imagine when you think of the dark alleys in Hollywood movies, alleys in most of Saigon are just thoroughfare that are bustling with daily life..

Head over wheels in love - June 24, 2004

Vietnam has its fair share of restaurants, bars and cafes, but when most local couples head out, it’s not so they can stare love struck over shared iced lattes. In a time-honored ritual, they are off cruising.

Generations of Vietnamese have observed this dating ritual, the young lovers fine art of utmost interest in going nowhere, as to a degree, they are already exactly where they want to be.

Couched in the arms of a darling, dressed suitably to the nines for the occasion, youngsters putter along the streets, sneaking the kinds of sensual embraces frowned upon at home with the olds.
But where do they come from, and more to the point for quizzical western observers, where exactly do they think they are going?

As the bikes dance through the traffic, lovers nestled cheek to cheek; one thinks of the trusty station wagon and the merits of make spots littered around the world. Yet, while park ups are a part of the play, the quintessence of di choi (simply go out, although not that simple really) lies in its mobility.

Hanoi’s lakes, traditionally Ho Tay, draw thronging masses in an orgy of nonchalant sensuality. Take a spin up the Ho Tay Water Park access road on any given evening and you’re assured of coping a real eyeful.

But hey, as a young man, I am not immune to its charm. I’ve been known to cruise along too, a young lady sitting side-saddle behind me, locked in an embrace that I don’t feel inclined to relinquish to the table and chairs of a café.

Phuong, 29, is a media professional in Hanoi. She openly admits to still loving a good di choi with her husband, although their carefree bike rides have become less frequent since the arrival of their first child. But every once and a while, they leave the baby with their live in mother in law, and hit the pavement nowhere-bound.

“It’s not hard to get privacy at home, but it’s important to get out of the house. Every couple has their ‘spot’, mostly around Ho Tay or on the Red River,” she says with a knowing glint in her eye. “You want a place with a good view and fresh cool air from the lake.”

“You can drive around, park for a while, or stop and get some ice cream. But we don’t hang out in cafes for long. It’s our time to relax together.” Phuong added.

So there you have it. It’s about not heading to any particular destination, just about enjoying one another’s company. So what of those women we see around Hoan Kiem Lake with freshly washed hair and clad in pyjamas? With a snout for a possible singles scene, I leapt on my trusty steed to try to get in on the action.

To my bemused – if solitary – finding, this was another form of relaxation sans groping. There I met Lan, who just fluttered her eyelids when asked any questions. She did admit that in years gone by, her parents, and their parents before them, had been fans of di choi, albeit by bicycle.

Down in Ho Chi Minh City, Kevin Minh set off into the thick of the southern dating scene, where he discovered the rules were truly universal.

Riding on the streets on a motorbike in Saigon is an experience in itself, he reported, but Sunday evening sees traffic jams of couples, motorbikes by the thousands revving amid the bustling city nightlife. Amid the pack, this confusion of open-air privacy on a motorbike allows a few shared caresses, moments of intimacy in the company of a thousand strangers.

The warm body contact, blanketing dewy air, and intimate conversation, that’s what makes this experience so great, and it costs nothing, except to fill up your gas tank.

So there it is, no more excuses for staying home like a wallflower on a Saturday night. You don’t even need to know the place to be, as it is, quite literally, all around you.

Story by Kevin Minh and Dan Kirk, photos by Kevin Minh. Also posted in Vietnamnet http://english.vietnamnet.vn/vndiaries/2004/06/169412/

Com Binh Dan - March 4, 2004

‘Com Bình Dan’ pronounced like come bin yaan literally translates to commoners’ rice and can be found on most any street café in Vietnam. The fare is cheap and the setting is humble, usually a restaurant by day that transforms back to a family’s living room at the end of the night.

The variety and readiness compliments Vietnam’s street scene which has had it’s own style of fast food long before the likes of Mc Donald’s. For a mere 3000 Vietnamese Đong (roughly 20 cents USD) you look at the food upon entering and order a plate of steamed rice with whatever is available daily which usually consists of tofu, egg, chicken, barbecued pork, pork, steamed vegetables and fried fish to name a few dishes.

The low cost is very appealing and so is the feeling that most of this food is ‘bình dân’ or common as the name suggests. For local Vietnamese, this is food they would eat at home, comfort food so you find everyone from school kids on lunch break, office crowds, singles, couples, and families eating a laid back hearty meal as they would in their own living room.

The experience of eating com binh dan is the closest thing to eating a home cooked meal while sitting in someone’s living room and remaining an anonymous customer.

You're not F'n Finnish! - September 1996

It was another hot muggy evening when my buddy and I walked into the Emerald Pub in Hanoi. I sat myself at the beginning of the bar with a beer while Tim chatted up the cute bartender.

As I was listening to the gentleman next to me I noticed a British accent so I asked him if he was from to which he replied he's from Finland. With a grin on my face I replied, "I'm Finnish too!" To this remark he loudly exclaimed, "You're not fuck'n Finnish!" At that point I pulled out my driver's license and said in my best Finnish minun nimeni on Kevin Gripenberg introducing myself. I can't remember exactly if he fell off his stool, but the reaction was something like that probably having heard a Vietnamese-looking person speak Finnish for the first time.

As it also turned out this Finn, Sammy, was working in a wine bar not far from my apartment and that his boss was also another Finn in the restaurant business in Hanoi. Every now and then I'd see them around Hanoi and impress them away with my few Finnish phrases like Terve! (hello) or Mitä kuuluu (how are you?). It was a welcomed reaction compared to the usual confused and disapointed looks about my Vietnamese.